These past few weeks I haven’t felt much like drawing. No particular reason, but every time I sat down to draw- I ruined it. So I didn’t draw at all for several days. This was a good experiment for me. For the first few days it was freeing, like a burden lifted from my shoulders. The next couple days I started to get snappy and feeling like getting published traditionally was a mountain too high for me to ever climb. Self-doubt can consume me. I heard a few success stories of others that brought me down … from jealousy I’m embarrassed to say. Sometimes I think that unless you live in New York City, just forget it. And then that just makes me mad, because there is so much beautiful culture in this country beyond what is found in one or two cities. The Southern culture is incredibly interesting and brave with a code of its own. Maybe I should think about incorporating the South into my work more! But I’m sure it’s like an accent. Other’s can hear it even when you don’t think you have an accent at all :) And so I ramble…
The moon has been incredible lately. I can talk best to the Lord when I look at the moon. I know He is working on me. I know this. So why do I grow impatient? I know that God has a plan just for me that no one else can have… a path paved JUST FOR ME. So why in the world, do I feel sad when others around me seem to jump ahead of me? I know I really don’t want my dreams to come true unless it’s in God’s plan for me. At a time when He is ready for me to have it. The reason is because I’m human. My spirit is willing to wait, but my body and mind is weak when it comes to actually enduring that wait. I am wise enough to know that I can’t do it alone, and I don’t want to. When I draw for myself, I stink at it. But when I draw while leaning on Him, I’m always amazed!
I know, O Lord, that the way of man is not in himself, that it is not in man who walks to direct his steps. Jeremiah 10:23
When I can shut-up the other voices in my head, and let the part of me that knows Christ best speak, it reminds me that God loves me so much! Even more than my mom! And that little feeling inside my heart that just knows I’m going to be used in a big way was placed there by God to get me through this season of waiting.
Delight yourself in the Lord, and he will give you the desires of your heart. Commit your way to the Lord; trust in him, and he will act. He will bring forth your righteousness as the light, and your justice as the noonday. Be still before the Lord and wait patiently for him; fret not yourself over the one who prospers in his way, over the man who carries out evil devices! Psalm 37: 4-7
Writing this post has helped me sort through some thoughts… thanks for listening. I’m left with the notion of how special this waiting season is. It gives me time to spend with my two-year-old and husband. This is not a season to be sad about. I want to enjoy it, and I can just give my worries, dreams, and burdens to the Lord and have a truly joyful heart – now! My Lord is “on it!” So, I’m about to go enjoy dinner with my sweet family … thank you, Lord, for the times you give us to simply sit and wade.